What are the rules around friends? There was a time I thought I knew. We had recipes and cheat codes on how to keep our friends forever. Sometimes, this meant through actions you didn’t support and feelings that were torn but never mended. Over time, we eventually learned to place value on who to keep and who to throw away. That value was held and represented differently by each person though — what they had for us, what we had for them and why.We were all raised differently. The notion of a village or tribe is a dwindling one. We live in the land of ‘every man for themselves’. We learn competition from the time we are introduced into public school and realize that the kid next to us gets a report card too; or that they have on different clothes and shoes; or any other hierarchy creating observations. We are groomed to be opportunists based on our need to get ahead. After all, our peers and our friends are who we are up against, right? We pulled this same functionality into our actual friendships. How did we learn to separate our allies from our enemies? How did we learn to purpose our relationshipse? The way we treat people is a direct reflection of how we treat ourselves.So, what about your friends? Hell, what about you? Self reflection is a necessary work. It’s important for us to assess whether or not the type of friends we have will lead us closer to or further away from the life we truly desire and seek. People will either grow together or grow apart. There is no in between. This linkage is based on alignment, like values and mutuality.
- Alignment is a position of agreeance or alliance. In this case, we’ll say alliance. Alliance is nothing more than a union formed for mutual benefit. If there is not a mutual gain within a friendship, it’s starting out of alignment. Anything out of alignment creates resistance. Check my premises and test this thesis. It does not only apply to friendships but all relationships.
- Like values are important to consider regarding the treatment of the friendship and the individuals within it. People who do not vot value people and relationships with the same esteem often times don’t work out as friends in the long run. There are types of everything. People will align with their type of people, those that have the same general value of life, people and the pursuit of happiness.
- Mutuality tells us the truth about whether we share the same like values with a person. It is the sharing of a feeling, action, or relationship between two or more parties. We learned that sharing is caring as children. What some of us didn’t learn is how important it is to share the right things, that build instead of break and that heal instead of hurt.
All of these things are choices. When we become aware of them, they transform into conscious choices. If we don’t choose carefully how we are willing to be treated and hold people accountable to that standard, folks will treat us any kind of way. It’s also important to make sure that we are treating others carefully with value and purpose so that others poor behavior and treatment of us doesn’t equate to our karma. It takes a real, true friend to know and appreciate another one. So if you don’t have any in your corner right now, find your tribe. If you have some kind of friends but not the kind where y’all embrace these three things, find your tribe. If you have a supportive group of friends who do this to the best of their ability but you’re still not growing the together, build your tribe. Pour into your people and share with them. If they are open, they will receive and grow with you. If they resist this type of alignment then you too must find your tribe.If your friends can’t grow with youy they can’t go with you. Time can make letting go and moving on very hard. If you hold on, find ways not to be hurt by it. Go where you grow. Serve what serves you. Don’t have nobody asking, “but, what about your friends.” Be there tomorrow of person who is and keeps a circle who is, too, so solid that the world knows you’re all built different. Move with it. Just like that.